He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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