I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
