I swear she didn't look like that last week.
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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