Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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