So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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