i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize