I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
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