my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Randomize
