I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
