I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
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