I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
