don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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