If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
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