:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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