I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Randomize
