she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
