Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
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