Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
