I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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