Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Randomize
