Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
