so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
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