I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
