the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
