when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
