Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
