Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
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