I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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