I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
