hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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