I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
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