Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Randomize
