Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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