so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
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