3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
