FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
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