Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
