the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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