GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Randomize
