Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I want a musical about memes.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize