I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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