Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
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