You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Randomize
