I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Randomize
