So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
