Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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