I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
