sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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