Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
