i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
