He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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