he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
