I think I died a long time ago.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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