So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
