I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
