your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize