someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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