I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
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