I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
