weddingsv make me drug and hornr
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
