Apparently you make a good broom.
That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
