don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Randomize
