onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
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