a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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