I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize