omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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