I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize