Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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