Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
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