so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
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