May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
